What We Allow

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No matter how qualified or deserving we are, we will never reach a better life until we can imagine it for ourselves and allow ourselves to have it. – Richard Bach

Last night my family and I were having some heavy dialogue concerning Sunday’s message from Church – Hannah and her desperate need to have a baby. No matter how hard she tried, Hannah just could not conceive. She tried to have a baby for many, many years. Even though the Bible says she was favored by God, she and her dreams were ignored.

I relate to Hannah. I know the struggles she faced feeling that her wants and her dreams were being over looked.  I can imagine her asking, Why is this not happening? What is wrong with me? I sense that she strongly doubted herself and her ability as a woman.

It’s been one of my life’s dream to publish a book. I have had a strong desire to tell my story even though it caused me a great deal of pain. I have had the same manuscript in the works for nearly four years. I have made several attempts to publish, but each time it failed. At times I wanted to give up, to discard it like trash, but each time, I was reminded of just how important the story was and is.

So, here I go again. I’ve pulled out the manuscript, brushed away the dirt. I am ready to write again. This time will be different, I tell myself. I will wrap up the edits, polish it up, and it will be published. No matter how many attempts to put pen to paper, I can’t scribble out one word. Doubt creeps in.

Who am I to write a book? Who really wants to hear my story? Are my words captivating? Will someone actually want to read it? It’s hard for me to imagine all my experiences poured into thousands of words will be captivating and viable to make it to fine print.

The conversation my family and I had about Hannah led into deep and personal questions about myself and my doubts.  My cousin’s husband asked, Why do you doubt yourself, Nichole? Who planted these doubts in the first place? Who told you that you can’t achieve this? Who told you that you can’t achieve that?

The deeper he dug and the more he pressed in, the more it hurt, hurt like hell, actually. The questions he was firing were like a scalpel cutting into my old wounds. Stop, it hurts, I cry. I don’t know why I don’t believe.

Yes you do, he said. You just can’t say it.  So, he answered for me.

Maybe it’s because you’ve never had anyone prove to you that you are worthy. You have to let go of the past, Nichole. You have to let go of the power “they” have over your mind.

As the tears began to pour down my face and my thoughts began to crush me, I was reminded, once again, of my past and those who severely impacted my life. I was reminded of those whose actions let me down. I was reminded of those who through their words squashed my desires and trampled my potential to accomplish great things. I was reminded of those who led me to believe that I am not worthy of any real happiness or success.

As the tears began to dry up, and my mind began to clear. I realized that he is right. I have to let go. I have to reprogram my mind with the truth. I am worthy of such great things. I deserve to have a book published, to fall in love, get married, and have a family.  I just have to believe.

I don’t know if you struggle with self-doubt and worth like me, but if you do, I challenge you to ask yourself some of the deep questions I had to answer. Why do you doubt yourself? Why do you hold back on the better life you can live?

As you sift through the painful parts of your past, the words and actions of the ones that stifled your growth, your chance for a better life, you might discover this. Your chance for that better life has been right under your nose, at an arm’s reach, all this time. All you had to do to obtain it, was to allow yourself to take hold of it, instead of letting someone else’s limited thinking limit you.

Hannah eventually gave birth to a son named Samuel. He went on to do great things for the Lord. As my story plays out, I imagine that I will publish a book, get married, and have a family. I too will do great things for the Lord and so will you. I believe in you just like I finally believe in myself 🙂

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