To the One Before

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Open your heart. Love is on the way. – Jude 1

To the one before, who captured my heart right from the start, the chance meeting was electric and just the shock I needed to revive my lifeless heart. You saved me from the pit of despair. I had recently lost my job; one that I cared deeply about. I was in recovery from surgery; one that left me fighting for my life. I also was recovering from yet another failed relationship. I lost hope in about everything that mattered most to me – health, relationships, career, and security.

Six months prior to our meeting, I created a list in my prayer journal. I made a list of the qualities in a man who I could live with and without. The list was extensive and in looking back, I know it was hard to obtain. I thought you had to be perfect in order to achieve or receive love. That list proved to be a hindrance and taxing for us both. You were always jumping through hoops to prove yourself and my view of love was clouded.

The day I met you, I knew you were the one I prayed so fervently for. The connection was instant and the chemistry was undeniable. You were sensitive, attractive, passionate, driven and funny. Your embrace was strong and I felt safe inside. I began to trust again because of you.

We were in love, or mostly skating on the surface. No matter how hard we tried, we could not quite master the emotional connection. We could never bridge the gap. We were both guarded. We had been hurt in the past and unwilling to completely abandon that hurt and fall into love.

When push came to shove and I needed/wanted more, like marriage and true commitment, you walked away. You let go. I was crushed and my heart was broken. For reasons of your own, you couldn’t or weren’t willing to go the extra mile. For a year and a half, I kept the door of my heart opened. I eagerly and hopelessly waited for you to come back, to tell me you changed your mind, and that you made a mistake for leaving. However, you did not.

I read this quote the other day. “How do you know when it’s over?” “Maybe when you feel more in love with your memories, than with the person standing in front of you.” To answer that question, I think you know when your heart has made the connection that the mind already knows. It’s over and it has been over.

When our paths crossed the other day, I sensed a change in my heart. Love has been offering up a few samples here lately. At first, I was hesitant and wanted to pass. However, as trust is building, I find myself accepting the samples. I’ll be honest, I like the taste. It is refreshing and I find myself wanting more. Where you are currently, more is not an option and I have accepted that.

I will always be forever grateful for you and our relationship. The gambling man you are, you took a chance on me. You hung around and endured the rough patches; the times my demons surfaced and roared their little ugly heads. You gave all that you could in the capacity that you carved out for yourself. You brought me back to life.

So, thank you. I will always cherish our journey together – the road that led me to love. The memories are all sealed up and tucked away in my heart. I am forever changed, but my heart is now open to love that is on the way.

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