“Nothing splendid has ever been achieved except by those who dared believed that something inside of them was superior to circumstances.” – Bruce Bartonthat

Life is tough and it is filled with heartache and sorrow. No one ever said we would be free of that. But what happens when heartache outweighs joy? I ask this question because it seems that I am faced with disappointment after disappointment, and it never seems to end. Can I be honest here? When is it going to work out for me? Just one area is all that I am asking.

The relationship I thought would lead to marriage ended, the job that brought me fulfillment and was leading me towards financial freedom ended, and the book that I believed would be published did not even place in the writing contest (the second time I entered it).

With this string of disappointments, it is very hard not to sucumb to the state of feeling jaded; especially when everyone around me is getting married, having babies, getting promoted, and thriving and flourishing. 

Everything pertaining to me is dying.

I’ll be honest, there is a part of me that wants to give up on my dreams and just settle with complacency. It’s easier. I’m tired of putting myself out there, only to have the door closed in my face.  I’m tired of the disappointment and quite frankly, I’m tired of having a broken heart.

While hiking yesterday (my inexpensive therapy), I heard a song from Mumford and Sons titled Hold on to What You Believe. The refrain went something like this…

But hold on to what you believe in the light
When the darkness has robbed you of all your sight

And yes, while hiking, I began to weep.  (Thank God I was alone on the trail as I would look rather crazy to some onlookers.) I wept because it is true; all the disappointment I face has robbed me of everything I was dreaming and working for and my vision has been tainted.

But as the lyrics convey, I must hold on to what I believe; belief that one day I will walk down the aisle, belief that one day I will work again, and belief that one day my dreams will be seen in fine print.

Later on that evening, my cousin gave me a gift. Much to her excitement, she found a random red pawn while shopping at Hobby Lobby.

You see, I am the red pawn in my book My Next Move. I like to believe it was more than a coincedence that she found this for me. It is a tangible reminder that my dreams are possible. 

Cover of My Next Move

While my heart is still trying to mend, my eyes can focus beyond the circumstance.