Sometimes I feel that I keep going around the same big mountain or is it that the wounds from my childhood are cut so deep that I have to delve deeper into the trenches to find the real source of my pain. The journey that I am currently on is to receive and accept love. I have already found love, but my body/mind keeps trying to reject it; one of my unwanted defense mechanisms of not allowing anyone in. And what I have sense discovered, I don’t feel worthy of love. In the midst of mental anguish, God softly spoke that to me.
How do you receive and accept love when the road map laid before you is all distorted? It is said that hurting people hurt others. When two hurting people join in union and conceive children that pattern of brokenness is created again. All the dysfunction disguised as a family fosters more dysfunction to be carried on by future generations. I know my family did the best they could with what they had. I’m not harboring any resentment over it. I just want to experience love in a greater capacity that what was presented to me.
There are moments that I feel love and really want to express it, but that expression is foreign to me. My family was not the type to hug and kiss and say “I love you” when we left each other or ended a phone conversation. So when the moment presents itself, my faithful companion “Insecurity” arrives and informs me that type of expression will not be perceived well by others. 1 John 4:18 (NIV) says, “There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.” Verse 19 says, “We love because he first loved us.” Joyce Meyer comprehended it as this, “If God’s people knew how much He loved them, they would not be fearful. If they knew the love of God, they would not run from Him, they would run to Him.”
I am truly beginning to comprehend the signs of God’s love for me. I understand that when someone shows me favor, that is God’s way of expressing love; it is not merely a coincidence. It seems as in those incidents, God is trying to heal the wound. But as any stubborn child will do, I continuously pick the scab and the wound is exposed all over again. The wound cannot heal therefore, I find myself in the same pattern of brokenness.
All I know is that I am exhausted both physically and mentally and I am ready for restoration. I am ready to give, accept and receive love. Mother Teresa once said, “We may not be able to give much, but we can always give the joy that springs in a heart that is in love with God.”
What pattern does your heart display? Is it time for a new design?
Love in Christ (and I’m not worried how this will be perceived 🙂